I’m pretending as hard as I can that I’m excited to run around all day with my sister and do all her prom shit. But I’m more so disappointed. This is something my mom should be doing for her but oh yeah she’s literally a deadbeat except she has money. K.

I don’t know why I tell myself things will get better when they progressively get worse here at my house. I hate this. I miss my family. We used to eat dinner together. We used to take trips. We would watch movies on the couch… What happened? My mom is unwell. Mentally unstable. A pain pill abuser. And heartless. I don’t remember the last time she was there for me. All she does is use me. She puts guilt on me from things like a backache keeping her from cooking to wishing I was never born because I ruined her marriage and life. My dad is no better. My father. I watch him abuse my family verbally… I watch him break everyone’s heart. There is no satisfying him. I live in a dump. Literally, this house is fucking disgusting. There’s not a single working door or a single clean sink to wash your hands. I don’t see how it’s my fault. But my father will find a way to make it mine. He’s critical. Stern. I don’t remember the last time he held me. Congratulated me. Acknowledged me for anything but to do the dishes. I don’t live here, I work here. I crave love. Any fucking kind off affection. My boyfriend can’t handle the amount if attention I demand… To fill the hole in my heart. I put so much on him and it hurts me to hurt him. I’m the one who deserves to hurt. I am on the verge of giving up. I want to sleep forever. I want them to see what they’re doing to me. I can’t live this way anymore.

Wanting to kill yourself because you just want someone to care about how much pain you’re in, but being too much of a coward to do it. Then start feeling worse for even considering it because when someone actually does care but you push them away so really, it’s your fault. And you get mad at them for not coming back to you. So now you’re alone. And suddenly you start to realize you have many faults. And you put yourself down. You’re broken. You want them to see how much pain you’re in so you consider killing yourself…repeat.

I hate when people get pissed at me when I get uncomfortable with porn. Saying “it’s my own anatomy” and what not. It’s not her body that that’s bothering me. I’m not uncomfortable with the naked body, I’m uncomfortable with it being smacked in the face by a dick. If you appreciate the human body so much, why do you prefer it bent over a table? Is that the only way you appreciate the human body? Being fucked by some dude with a six pack? And dont pull that “making love” shit. “Sex is beautiful” shit. I know the difference between making love and being fucked by three guys in a bathroom. You and I both know that porn is not making love. Nothing about it is beautiful.

So next time you post pages and pages of that shit and get mad at me for being uncomfortable with it & deleting you… think of a better comeback than me being “uncomfortable with my own anatomy.” Because that’s not true at all.

*I don’t care what you post, you can post whatever you want. I’m not telling you what to post. But there’s no law saying I have to stay followed to anyone who posts nothing but constant porn & comes at me for my view on my own anatomy. So get off my back. That is all.(: 

i am ugly and fat. and not the anorexic kind of fat, like when skinny girls think they’re big. i’m legitimate overweight, at risk of obesity, fucking huge. i just ate 3 pieces of pizza and breadsticks because i had a bad day. this is why im fat and ugly. please kill me. bye. 

My mom is in the ICU with the breathing and feeding tube down her throat. She has been for 3 days now. I just want her to come back home, I can’t get my mind off of it. Please say a prayer for her if you have the time. I miss you so bad Mom, please come home.

Miserable might just be an understatement.

The only thing I have the strength to do anymore is cry.
Not even that kind of cry with the warm tears on my cheeks,
bringing comfort to me after they dry. 

But the kind of silent cry,
a slow murmur under the covers of my room,
“Why can’t I just be happy?”

My life’s become pathetic,
or maybe rather it’s me who has become that way.

I think porn makes me sad cuz i hate looking at how gorgeous those girls stomachs look while pushing their naked body on his. She’s so comfortable with being naked. She is so comfortable with taking off her shirt, having the lights on. I can’t stand how perfect her boobs are, how perfect her thighs are. Everything. How she completely hypnotizes him with her perfect fucking everything and finally lets him see and feel every inch of her. Why can’t I be perfect? I just want to be beautiful. And I’m not. Not even in that moments when I’m supposed to feel at my best. I want to feel sexy. And I won’t because I’m just too big. I want to be able to let his fingers wander on my skin but instead, i’m too busy biting my lip and hoping he doesn’t feel all my flaws. I hope he doesn’t realize those girls with the flat stomachs, no scars, and perfect thighs are what sexy truly is. I hope he doesn’t dream of them like I do, desiring to feel as comfortable in my skin as they do in theirs.